Sharing is Caring (...about me first!)

Guest Post from by Robin Carmody and Yana Lapaix of the Early Childhood Education Department at Bay State College.

In continuation of the discussion from our last post, toddlers are often known for their ego-centrism. It is quite literally a perspective focusing on themselves first, which is actually a healthy foundation rather than negative. Understanding and validating our own feelings precedes the ability to read them in others, let alone even feel compassion for them. It’s important to understand that the concept of sharing and putting oneself in someone else’s shoes should not be forced. Some experts actually believe that children don’t understand the full concept of sharing until the end of the preschool years. When adults get frustrated because their toddler is not being nice to a younger sibling for instance, they may intervene but should make sure they also still let this child be able to own their feelings. Acknowledge the jealousy and other feelings of injustice and find ways to redirect their energy, by asking them to help for instance.

How to be part of the solution, rather than the problem:
As toddlers evolve into preschoolers, they are learning a lot of new things at the same time and sharing will come to them naturally. One story that illustrates a great approach to how this can be vicariously taught is this anecdote (mentioned by psychoanalyst in Arno Gruen in a lecture on obedience):
It’s the classic situation of a mother who intervenes to stop her two children from fighting over a piece of bread. She takes the sandwich away and divides it into two pieces. So far so good, probably anyone involved with children or common sense would have done that. What happens next though is unusual: She quietly gives both pieces back to the child who didn’t want to share. The child pauses for a moment, looks at both pieces, and then proceeds to give the second one to her sibling, who only moments ago had been regarded as a competitor in survival.

What this story teaches us is that children are much more likely to grow and gain responsibility if they are involved. There were no instructions necessary, the child in this story automatically understands it doesn’t need both halves of the sandwich and enjoys being in charge of making the decision to share.
Once again, children at this age are very observant and if everyone in their environment is modeling this behavior they will pick it up much faster than if there is a lot of quarreling and punishment involved.